A few months ago I was seeing a guy, a married one. Now, before you judge he was seperated as she had done the dirty on him. He is a good man who was understandably heart broken that this had happened, but was on his way to being mended... we met up, hooked up and although it wasn't all roses, were seeing each other for a short while.
If I said that the connection between us was unreal, it would be an understatement. We just clicked, there is no other way to put it other than there was this real spark, but it wasn't the rose tinted glasses that comes with a new relationship, there was still the wife lurking in the back of our minds and we were quite conservative (thats not the word I am looking for but it will have to do) in the beginning and I kept my guard up for ages because I just knew he was going to go back to her. They have a child, so I knew he would never just walk away from that.
Of course, just as things were going well and the intensity of what was happening between us increased, she decided she wanted him back. I get this, a great catch like that not only starts getting over what you did to him, but now seems to be moving on with someone else... I would start putting on the screws - but then again, I never would have hurt a man like this, I would have counted myself lucky each and every bloody day to have him in my life.
We were both quite torn at the end, I didn't want him to make the decision on whether or not to go back based on us, because I believe that would lead to resentment later on. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but felt that he needed to give it a go for the sake of his child, otherwise he would never know. We 'broke up' three times. The bond that has been created feels like a tangible thing, something that has irrevocably changed me forever more. I have been coping without him, even felt for a while that I was over it and would happily move onto the next thing, if only that would come along at some stage....
Until last night.
Out of the blue the last couple of weeks, I have barely been able to have an hour when he doesn't creep into my mind (only to find out later that he has been experiencing the same thing - mental telepathy?), and I literally try all the tricks in the book, but get mental images of us being together. I sent him a text this week and subtly dropped in that I was writing my last exam this week and would be out that night to celebrate. Next thing I get a text from a friend who had invited me to a gig to ask if it was ok if The Man came along. Of course I said it was absolutely ok with me (remember, this is strong, wilful me), and apart from thinking of him with increasing frequency this week and being a little anxious about the upcoming meet, I felt that it would in fact be ok - and it was for about an hour...
Obviously we were in a group - all of whom are aware of our past, the current situation and know us both quite well.
Everything was very polite and friendly and eventually the two of us started talking. That connection was still there. In a massive way. He knows he went back home for the wrong reasons and is now trying to reconcile his past happiness and the happiness he feels in regards to me into his current life... and its not happening. I don't blame him for going back, if he hadn't he would never know and feel guilty the rest of his life for not having done it. At the same time he is feeling emasculated and like there are gaping holes in his marriage (in fact doesn't consider himself married at the moment), and it physically hurt me to hear what he has been going through (while not letting any of this show of course). I think by the end of the night he was feeling in a bit of turmoil, and clearly I am, otherwise I wouldn't have woken up at 4.40am after getting home late and drinking most of the evening... feeling like death but not able to get back to sleep.
Its so hard to get down here exactly how this thing has affected me, all the aspects of what I feel and to what extent... I would go so far as to say I have never found anyone who is so perfectly matched to me in my life, and yet so f@cking unattainable. Sorry - the frustration I am feeling is causing my potty mouth to come out.
I need to move on and find someone else, I know this is in my head, but my heart really doesn't want to - will he realise that he can't stay with her and be unhappy just for his child's sake for the rest of his life? Will he man up and admit to himself what he is feeling and that he should do something about it?
I have always over thought past relationships - does he like me, what did it mean when he did this / that? Would things work out? What should I say if... ? Or?
None of that... absolutely none of it. I KNOW how he feels. Its almost something I can touch - I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice and KNOW it in my bones. I don't feel doubtful of his feelings, and this is a total first for me. But its kinda nice, like being content, not stressing about all that trivial stuff - I guess you could say we have bigger things to worry about! Ha ha!
Its not funny... Really not funny.
I do know one thing - if we see each other again and there is no one else around that we know, we would not be able to keep our hands off each other, and that is really not on... and not an area I want to venture into, and I know he doesn't either. Maybe we just cut all ties and make sure we never see each other again - one day I can write a book about it and make millions. A not so happy ending.
