Sunday, 8 May 2011

Funny isn't it?

Life that is... what a roller coaster it turns out to be most of the time. Apologies Andrea my love for being so slack about writing on here... I logged in today to actually delete my blog, read everything from the beginning and have renewed my ambition to blog more often.

I'm happy - there, I said it.

I can actually look at my life at the moment and each and every part of it is going in a positive direction. My family are all good, getting much needed operations, coming on an extended holiday to see us, working through various issues, being as cute as pie (that would be my amazing nieces) - its stressful I think when you know your family are facing tough times, but also reassuring to know that you'll all be there for each other should someone need you.

Just got back from an amazing holiday that I went on for a friends wedding - it really was special and I not only got to spend some quality time with the people who are all heading off to Australia to live (yes, my circle is getting smaller yet again) - but got to spend some time with one of my most favourite people in the world. A friend I have known since the first day of school, who gets me and has always been able to make me laugh - she's tough, soft, caring, doesn't take shit and cracks me up to the point of crying. I already miss her, and wish we could live in the same place to get to see each other all the time (not sure I could keep up with the drinking though :o)

Work wise I am extremely happy - its a job that can give you huge highs and plunge you into massive despair too... but for the first time, I am so motivated by work, and really really enjoying it. What I get out of this job is directly related to what I put it - I will be successful if I work hard, and I love that - nothing worse than feeling like you're putting in the effort and getting none of the rewards!

Love life... well, that is going very well too. The man I am seeing is completely different to anyone I have been with / imagined myself with in the past, but its going well. I'm still nervous and holding back quite a bit I think, it was a slow start and we've taken our time getting to where we are. He is really good to me and although there are 'cultural' differences (he likes football for goodness sake) - I don't think it is a big issue. And its kind of fun to get to know each other slowly and not blurt out all the facts in one conversation.
Not focussing on the fact that we want to live on opposite sides of the earth, but enjoying it for what it is at the moment.

Wow - I feel pretty blessed at the moment and since getting back from holiday promised myself I am going to get back on the healthy band wagon as well, exercise makes me feel amazing, and as I already do... well, I'll be euphoric surely? ;o)

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Ok, challenge accepted... Thank you to my fav friend Andrea for setting me these questions, its probably a bit of a nudge because I don't blog very often - but you're right, sometimes I need a smack up side the head!

1. What would you say to someone just starting out on a weight loss journey?

I would tell them that each day is going to be a battle in the beginning, and that they will slip up at times! Each person must expect to get even more down on themselves when they do slip, but eventually you reach a point when the battle becomes easier and the exercise makes you feel so good about yourself that you WANT to carry on!

2. What is your passion? The thing that you absolutely love doing, that is not necessarily, but can be, related to your job or role in a family?

Reading. Cliche I know, but I love reading and like doing it wrapped up in bed on a winters day, on a beach in the hot weather and on the bus on my way to work. A good book is my weakness!

3. If money and time (or any other obstacles) were not an issue, how would you spend a week (or even a weekend) that you had to yourself (and who would you spend it with, if anyone)?

I would go and stay in a five star hotel in Thailand with my own private pool, take lots of books and a man who I had loads to talk to about and who was most excellent in bed... work has been hectic and I would love to chill out for a while!

4. What has been your most satisfying moment so far on this journey?

Finding that I am actually happy within myself and that my self confidence cannot be knocked by others very easily anymore.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

oh dear...

So, I''m up stupidly early - have so much going on in my head that I have to put it somewhere, and where better than here - an anonymous place...

A few months ago I was seeing a guy, a married one. Now, before you judge he was seperated as she had done the dirty on him. He is a good man who was understandably heart broken that this had happened, but was on his way to being mended... we met up, hooked up and although it wasn't all roses, were seeing each other for a short while.

If I said that the connection between us was unreal, it would be an understatement. We just clicked, there is no other way to put it other than there was this real spark, but it wasn't the rose tinted glasses that comes with a new relationship, there was still the wife lurking in the back of our minds and we were quite conservative (thats not the word I am looking for but it will have to do) in the beginning and I kept my guard up for ages because I just knew he was going to go back to her. They have a child, so I knew he would never just walk away from that.

Of course, just as things were going well and the intensity of what was happening between us increased, she decided she wanted him back. I get this, a great catch like that not only starts getting over what you did to him, but now seems to be moving on with someone else... I would start putting on the screws - but then again, I never would have hurt a man like this, I would have counted myself lucky each and every bloody day to have him in my life.

We were both quite torn at the end, I didn't want him to make the decision on whether or not to go back based on us, because I believe that would lead to resentment later on. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but felt that he needed to give it a go for the sake of his child, otherwise he would never know. We 'broke up' three times. The bond that has been created feels like a tangible thing, something that has irrevocably changed me forever more. I have been coping without him, even felt for a while that I was over it and would happily move onto the next thing, if only that would come along at some stage....

Until last night.

Out of the blue the last couple of weeks, I have barely been able to have an hour when he doesn't creep into my mind (only to find out later that he has been experiencing the same thing - mental telepathy?), and I literally try all the tricks in the book, but get mental images of us being together. I sent him a text this week and subtly dropped in that I was writing my last exam this week and would be out that night to celebrate. Next thing I get a text from a friend who had invited me to a gig to ask if it was ok if The Man came along. Of course I said it was absolutely ok with me (remember, this is strong, wilful me), and apart from thinking of him with increasing frequency this week and being a little anxious about the upcoming meet, I felt that it would in fact be ok - and it was for about an hour...

Obviously we were in a group - all of whom are aware of our past, the current situation and know us both quite well.
Everything was very polite and friendly and eventually the two of us started talking. That connection was still there. In a massive way. He knows he went back home for the wrong reasons and is now trying to reconcile his past happiness and the happiness he feels in regards to me into his current life... and its not happening. I don't blame him for going back, if he hadn't he would never know and feel guilty the rest of his life for not having done it. At the same time he is feeling emasculated and like there are gaping holes in his marriage (in fact doesn't consider himself married at the moment), and it physically hurt me to hear what he has been going through (while not letting any of this show of course). I think by the end of the night he was feeling in a bit of turmoil, and clearly I am, otherwise I wouldn't have woken up at 4.40am after getting home late and drinking most of the evening... feeling like death but not able to get back to sleep.

Its so hard to get down here exactly how this thing has affected me, all the aspects of what I feel and to what extent... I would go so far as to say I have never found anyone who is so perfectly matched to me in my life, and yet so f@cking unattainable. Sorry - the frustration I am feeling is causing my potty mouth to come out.
I need to move on and find someone else, I know this is in my head, but my heart really doesn't want to - will he realise that he can't stay with her and be unhappy just for his child's sake for the rest of his life? Will he man up and admit to himself what he is feeling and that he should do something about it?
I have always over thought past relationships - does he like me, what did it mean when he did this / that? Would things work out? What should I say if... ? Or?
None of that... absolutely none of it. I KNOW how he feels. Its almost something I can touch - I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice and KNOW it in my bones. I don't feel doubtful of his feelings, and this is a total first for me. But its kinda nice, like being content, not stressing about all that trivial stuff - I guess you could say we have bigger things to worry about! Ha ha!
Its not funny... Really not funny.

I do know one thing - if we see each other again and there is no one else around that we know, we would not be able to keep our hands off each other, and that is really not on... and not an area I want to venture into, and I know he doesn't either. Maybe we just cut all ties and make sure we never see each other again - one day I can write a book about it and make millions. A not so happy ending.

Monday, 9 August 2010

life is good.... life is great, life is like a figure of eight

so, what have we learnt lately? That getting hurt happens and there comes a time when we need to realise how to protect our hearts. Its all well and good getting out there and enjoying spending time with someone, but often they aren't the right one and the search continues....
As above, life twists and turns on us and we find ourselves back at square one wondering how on earth we got there.

Guess some description of what has gone on would help... got me involved with someone who had a lot of baggage. A LOT of baggage, and although I tried to keep my feelings in check the fact that its come to an end has hurt... more than I thought it would... but not as much as it could have! I have clearly learnt to hold back, not jump in two feet first, and have also grown stronger over the years at not getting my heart broken.

Anyway, the goal now is to get back to that happy vibe I had a while ago, put the past behind me and move on... no one but me is going to change my life!

okay, that was a rubbish post

Saturday, 19 June 2010


So, I am a bit slack at writing on here, although the last few weeks have been pretty busy.

Work is still amazing, unfortunately (perhaps not) one of my team resigned, leaving just me and my boss to work the obscene amount of jobs we have on. I therefore got an instant promotion... I am now a consultant! woohoo! Yesterday I got my first jobs to work on my own, and got seven at once from a client. I have sent through the CV's and any placements that I make will be mine, bring on the fees! And my boss has only had good things to say to me, so all good so far.

On the exercise front, I joined the gym. Its bloody expensive, and will require a lot of work, but I think I can do it. I can go in the morning before work, or at lunch time, and still have plenty of time to be social and enjoy life.
I have been to two classes this week (only joined on Wednesday) so am feeling quite happy. I can't walk today after a body pump class, but hey - them's the breaks!

As for how I am feeling, I'm quite positive at the moment.

PS - Will and Grace is the most pathetic program on tv - EVER!

I'm off to watch the rugby this afternoon, and with the extra work that I have been doing (extra job at the cricket) I should have some more cash to spend too. So a full day counting cash at the cricket tomorrow, this weekend will be a quiet one, time to focus on all the other things in life.

This is a bit of a mixed up post... will write when I am feeling a bit more 'literate'

Saturday, 5 June 2010

This is harder than I thought.

True to form, I have come up with every possible excuse in the book to not reach my goals this week. Maybe I was a little exuberant with my choices, but at least I have done more this week than previously, and I need to remind myself that this might take time!
Instead of the six hours of walking, I worked late, socialised and played poker instead of doing all the things I should have.
On the plus side, the guilt made me get up on wednesday morning and go for a 45 minute walk before work, and although I felt tired the rest of the day I felt better for it. Last night, although I went out and saw friends, I kept it tidy, was home by 1am, and had the energy to get up this morning and walk for an hour and a half.

Work is proving to be the most inspirational thing for me at the moment. I can't help but grinning like a cheshire cat when people ask how my job is going, because I feel like I have landed in the proverbial butter. Last night at work drinks, I spoke to a lot of people, all of whom wanted to know how my first couple of weeks had been going and how I was enjoying it. I commented plenty of times how well it was going and how nice everyone is, and was assured that this is something that everyone has been through, and to enjoy it because this feeling of 'being in the right place, with the right people' will never leave me.
I have been on two training sessions already, had a review, and feel like my manager is very happy with me. I am trying very hard to give it my all, and learn as much as possible so that I can advance my career as quickly as possible.

All in all, a pretty good week though, and I am just going to have to 'toughen up buttercup' and get back on the horse of wellbeing and exercise, keeping in mind all the goals I want to achieve.

Right, so am off to the rugby now, one or two drinks in the sunshine, and new friends who will hopefully become a much needed social circle.

Have a great weekend!

Monday, 31 May 2010

First day of the rest of my life

I have made a few decisions in the last couple of days. I do keep coming up with ideas that will change my life... moving house, moving country, moving job, career and anything pretty much that I can. Unsettled you say? I totally agree.

However, most of these changes are positive ones. And although I don't always manage to achieve my goals, I think this might be the best place to keep track of and motivate myself to strive towards these milestones.

At my various jobs I have learnt the skill of organising my life and daily tasks. Currently I feel my work life is going ok, and is in the best shape its ever been in. I am finally working towards a career that will mean something to me, I have scored a job in a really great company where I think I can carve out a niche for myself.

I'm not kidding myself - all the things that I want to achieve will require really hard work... but hopefully with my friends egging me on, and having it written down out there in the big wide webby world will help in banishing the laziness that has held me back up until now.

So here is my list of things I have to do:

  • Finish studying (work hard, often and hard)
  • Exercise (at least six hours a week, preferably while listening to audiobooks to begin with)
  • Be the best I can at work and get a promotion before the end of July.
These three pointers are the first and most important to me.
Once these have been accomplished, I can work towards getting involved in some charity volunteer holiday ideas, as well as researching my ideas for a marketing company.

The exercise will help clear my head, and help me study, as well as making me feel good about myself. Making a name for myself at work (that isn't directly related to how many shots I can do at the pub on a weeknight) will also make me feel good about myself.

So all this positiveness is great, and hopefully I can hold onto these ideas and dreams and make them all come true soon!